CANDID

The Day Of

 

When I think back

To that exact moment when it started

9:16 a.m.

Econ class

I was next up for my presentation

I feel sick because we were so blind to what was coming.

 

We sat in lockdown and it wasn’t until we were out 

And our teacher played the news on the smart board

That it started to hit us

At first it was rumors and names

So many names flying around and no one was sure 

People on phones news cameras already rolling

I didn’t hear a name I recognized until 3:17.

 

We couldn’t go home

He had lived around the corner and the police had cordoned my neighborhood off.

So we sat and cried and worried together with our friends

Watching Chris Cuomo film a six year old for his special report 

 

Later that night we sat in our own living room 

Watching the news

And we started to go numb.

 

 

The Mountain

 

I met the mountain two days after

It was funny because I discovered it in the valley of my basement.

 

My brother Jack was there

Playing his war video games on the green corduroy couch like nothing had ever happened

I heard the rattle 

the pops of the guns

And suddenly I could see it all 

Everything stopped and all I could think was

get out get out get out get out get

 

I ran upstairs

Breath staccato

Stomach twisting

Tears pooled in my eyes and panic stirred inside me

 

I felt its grip, not knowing I was meeting a soon-to-be familiar enemy.

I slid to my kitchen floor

and like a child let my mother hold me 

 

I looked up then

at the shadow of my mountain

and I prepared to climb. 

 

 

Handling

 

People don’t know how to handle tragedy.

We hear about it but since it’s never us we shake our heads

Say “That’s such a shame. How sad, those poor people.”

And maybe a generous few send money or gifts.

Even now 

I am one of those poor people 

and I don’t think I’ll ever know how 

to deal with tragedy.

 

 

Violent/Love/Hurt

 

I don’t know if it was hate. 

I don’t know why he did it. 

I probably never will. 

 

They tell you to focus on the love

 

“We choose love”

And there was love.

Overwhelming love.

Flowers from Argentina

Photos of crosses on beaches in Brazil

Millions of cards and drawings and letters

Teddy bears and angels and donations.

It was a violent sort of love 

In response to a violent sort of hate.